Chapter 32: True Love Never Runs Smooth

David Beckham and Matt Damon, half-undressed in each other’s arms, lay nervously on the bed, at the foot of which the black American singer R Kelly was waving his gun as he raved at Matt Damon for betraying him with another man. I, ironically, was in the closet. R Kelly must have seen me when I came into the room, and I was therefore doomed, but he was raving about other things for the moment. ‘Ha, David Beckham!’ said R Kelly. ‘I bet yo sorry ass never expected THIS! Yo sorry English ass probably just thought I was this macho R&B guy and a superfly badass!’

‘No, I didn’t,’ said David Beckham. ‘I knew you were gay.’

‘No way! Yo sorry English ass is lying its sorry English butt-cheeks off!’

‘We all know you’re gay, R,’ said David. ‘Especially me, since I am the Master’s Head of Intelligence.’

‘This is bull, man,’ said R Kelly. ‘I keep it a secret by having sex with loads of chicks and sluts and hos, etc., which is really gross for me.’ He looked upset, paused, and then said, ‘Did you really know? How did yo sorry ass find out?’

‘I told him,’ said Matt Damon.

‘But you said you loved me!’

‘No, I didn’t,’ said Matt Damon. ‘You said YOU loved ME. It’s different.’

‘How so? It’s still love, right?’

‘It’s this kind of attitude that has got you in trouble with the law all your life, R,’ said David. ‘Even with the chicks you were having sex with to pretend to your fanbase that you were a superfly badass. Matt Damon showed me all the letters you sent him saying how much you loved him and wanted to be his boyfriend. He showed them to me and said that when he told you he didn’t want to be your boyfriend, you wouldn’t accept it, and kept hanging around him at movie premieres.’

‘I thought he was playing hard to get.’

‘I never play hard to get,’ said Matt Damon. ‘I’m really easy to get.’ He turned to David Beckham.

‘I’m sorry, but it’s true. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t really like to have sex with you more than almost anyone else except Tom Cruise, and he’s not gay.’

‘This is…’ said R Kelly, and stopped himself. ‘I’m totally mad, and normally I’d cuss and swear under these circumstances, but something about Matt Damon makes it impossible for me. He makes me a better person just by being there, don’t you find that?’

‘I do,’ said David Beckham.

‘I really love him. That’s what all my hundreds of letters were about, beneath the surface.’

‘On the surface, also,’ said David Beckham.

‘Yeah. I said I loved him and whenever he didn’t reply, I cut a new line into my skin with a razor. I am criss-crossed with lines.’

‘That’s really crazy!’ said Matt Damon. ‘I presumed you were just saying it for effect.’

‘No way, man!’ said R Kelly, lifting up his shirt. He was, indeed, criss-crossed with scars. ‘I love Matt Damon with all my heart and soul, man. That’s how I know he must love me, whatever you are making him say.’

‘I don’t love you, though,’ said Matt Damon.

‘Is it because I am gay?’ said R Kelly.

‘No,’ said Matt Damon. ‘Because I am also gay. You being gay is not a problem. But apart from that, I don’t like you at all. It’s just one of those things.’

‘I can’t accept that, man. It’s David Beckham, isn’t it? His sorry ass has lied about me and told you I’m not really gay. I’m gonna pop a cap in his sorry ass.’ He raised his gun.

‘Don’t shoot him!’ said Matt Damon.

‘He’s drugged you, hasn’t he?’ said R Kelly. ‘His sorry ass has drugged you to keep you from me and to stop us being happy? I was right, wasn’t I? You do love me.’

‘No, I don’t. I hate you!’

‘Be careful, Matt Damon,’ said David Beckham.

‘No!’ said Matt Damon. ‘I’m finally gong to let out all my feelings so no one is unclear about the situation. I totally hate R Kelly and everything about him, but he won’t take a hint like me saying that to him, and he comes across as if he’s some kind of a creepy stalker or somethi…’ BANG.
Matt Damon’s eyes were round in shock. The centre of his chest was a red wound. R Kelly’s face was tortured, tears streaming down his cheeks. ‘I loved him, man,’ he said. ‘And we’d have been happy, if it wasn’t for yo sorry ass, David Beckham. Now I gonna kill you, too.’ Then he stopped.

This was the moment I had been dreading. He gestured his gun at my closet and said. ‘Oh, except there’s one thing. Before you came in, while I was waiting in the closet, I saw a girl…’ CRASH.
The door exploded in splinters, and Victoria Beckham leapt through. ‘Babe!’ she said. ‘I heard a shot! Are you safe? What are you doing R Kelly? Why are you pointing that gun at my David?’ And then, quicker than I could follow, she whirled across the room, kicked the gun from R Kelly’s hand and karate chopped him in the neck in such a way that when he collapsed, it seemed like his head was hanging from a string. ‘Don’t worry, babe,’ Victoria said to David Beckham, who was holding Matt Damon’s hand and weeping. ‘You’re safe now. We’ll always be together. We’d better clear up this mess.

David Beckham looked at Matt Damon, still in his arms, and he said, ‘At least the end is coming. There was never any pity in my heart, and now there’s not even that.’

‘That’s right, babe. Let’s kill lots of people.’

They dragged the bodies out of the room. I was shivering terrified in my closet, but I knew I had to fulfil my mission and get back to my bed as quickly as I could, before my absence was discovered. I raced out of the window, and along the balcony to the Master’s office. It was Habitat-style when I was expecting quilted leather, but I didn’t have long to think about decorating. The safe was part of the huge desk, and the combination was my own birthday, so I was into it in moments. I had to find the location of the demons’ London headquarters. The top file said, DEMON HEADQUARTERS ADMIN: VARIOUS. I opened it. The first subsection was about Harrison Ford’s mansion, which is where I was standing. The second was about a small palace in Paris. The third was a picture of 11B South Square – the Chambers next to mine in Gray’s Inn. Across the front of it were huge red capitals which read, ‘SCHEDULED FOR IMMINENT DEMOLITION.’