Chapter 30: Out of the Fire and Into the Incinerator

I genuinely wanted to die. If you have ever had to pretend you are unable to move your body while an American actor who looks like a popular but mean High School Boy calmly removes your pants and chats about what’s going to happen next, you’ll know what I mean. It helped that I was still half-drugged, but it took every piece of my self-control not to scream when he lifted my legs apart, stood next to the bed and shuffled down his jeans, just out my sight. I could feel tears welling in my eyes. There was no way, none at all, that I would be able to lie inert while…
CRASH! The door burst open. I must have jerked in shock, but luckily no one was watching. After the crash, a silence. I could hear High School Boy breathing heavily, nervous for the first time. ‘Are you insane,’ said David Beckham, in his not-for-the-public, quiet, commanding voice.

‘Buddy said…’

‘No,’ said David Beckham. ‘Victoria told me she found the two of you in here. You might have been able to fool her, but that’s because she’s an idiot.’

‘David!’ said Victoria.

‘You’re a moron, Victoria. What did they tell you?’

‘They…’

‘I don’t care.’ He spoke again to High School Boy, who hadn’t moved. ‘Where’s Buddy? Is he in the toilet? Buddy?’ The toilet door was in my eyeline, and I saw Buddy, an older, skinny actor I’m sure I nearly recognised from all the minor parts he claimed to have played, shuffle into the room, clearly terrified. ‘What did he tell you?’

‘Oh gosh,’ said Buddy. ‘He said that the Chosen One was a sex maniac or something and she would be angry if she didn’t have sex because she was drugged, and so…’ there was a sharp pop, and a little black circle appeared in his temple. As Buddy slumped, the circle started to swell red. I didn’t scream or anything because the sight was so familiar. It was like watching the planes crash into the Twin Towers – beyond the sheer awfulness of what was happening, there was a deep surprise that the explosion looked so like the special effects in a movie.

‘What did you do that for?’ said David Beckham.

‘You heard him, about the sex,’ said Victoria. ‘That was gross.’

‘We’ve got a battle,’ said David. ‘A huge battle. We need every soldier we have. Some, for instance, we can send on suicide missions. Do you understand?’

‘Sure, babe. Please don’t be angry with me. It’s just, what he said, you know! It’s like you and me. That time I had sex with you, remember, when you were basically asleep and didn’t really know what was going on, and it was, like, the worst thing in the world for you that I did it. So when he said that, I just through, I mean, I thought you’d agree he had to die? Because you have to be READY to have sex? Like we will be one day? Babe?’

High School Boy said, ‘Is she serious? Does she seriously not realise that…’

David Beckham said, ‘Not now.’

High School Boy laughed. Then he said, ‘Victoria, if I’m going on a suicide mission, I’m not going without telling you that…’ There was another pop, and silence.

‘Babe!’ said Victoria Beckham. ‘Why did you shoot him? What was he going to say?’

‘I don’t know, said David Beckham briskly. ‘I was always going to shoot him, because he was the ringleader. But Buddy could have been useful. Put her knickers back on, and let’s get these bodies out of here. Mary Sue, I’m sorry for this, and I’ll see you in a few hours. The Master will be here tomorrow, and I’ll need to prepare you for what to expect.’

Two hours later, I had control of my body. Every time I moved, I was terrified the door would open. But eventually, I reached under the covers and snatched up the piece of paper Miss Smallbone left me. On one side of the paper was a hasty plan of the wing I was imprisoned in. On the other was a set of instructions. The gist was: next door to this room, in The Master’s office, was a cabinet containing the details of the demons’ British headquarters. I needed to get to the cabinet, open it, memorise the details, and get back to my bed. The last line of the note read, ‘I’m sorry you have to do this. I’ve only just found the PIN that opens the cabinet, and I won’t have time to get to the office. The PIN is MSP200577. I dare say you can remember that. Good luck.’ Of course I could remember it. The Master used my initials and birthday as the combination for his private safe. It was not as if I needed any more proof that these people took the crazy story of me being the Chosen One seriously.

I looked at the bloodstain on the floor. I thought, ‘Is there any point in waiting?’ I decided, ‘None at all. Your pathetic courage will fade away very soon anyway. Just do it. Come on Mary Sue!’ This overexcited attitude was my downfall. I snuck onto the balcony to edge along to the Master’s office, and I accidentally turned the wrong way. I went into the room. I thought I heard a noise, and a stared around me desperately, but I couldn’t see anything, and I put it down to the fact that this was the most nightmarish and awful day pretty much anyone could ever have had. Then I looked around dumbly for fully thirty seconds wondering why the Master would have made his office so boudoirish. Then I twigged, and I was just about to leave when I heard the door handle turn. Panicking, I leapt through the nearest door, which turned out to be one of those clothes closets with slatted doors. Heart racing, I watched as David Beckham entered the room with a confused and happy looking Matt Damon.

‘Are you serious?’ said Matt Damon. ‘I can’t believe you’re really serious about what you just said!’

‘Of course I am,’ said David Beckham. ‘The end of days is coming. This is the time we all have to reveal who we are. This is when we all have to be who we must be, Matt Damon. This is when we all have to be with who we must be with.’