Chapter 31: Can This Really Be True

‘You’re testing me,’ said Matt Damon to David Beckham. ‘I get it.’

‘No, Matt,’ said David Beckham. ‘This is for real.’

‘But that’s what you would say if you were testing me.’

‘What would I be testing, though?’ said David reasonably, taking Matt Damon’s hand in his as they sat on the edge of the bed. ‘We all know you are gay and even if we didn’t, it’s not as if any of us would care. We’re evil, by conventional standards, but not homophobic.’

‘I suppose that’s right,’ said Matt Damon. ‘But I can’t… I mean… It’s all too good to be true.’

‘Sometimes,’ said David Beckham, ‘Something too good to be true is true. Like you.’

‘But,’ said Matt Damon, eyes clouding again with worry, ‘I thought you were married! To Victoria Beckham.’

‘I am.’

‘That’s what I thought! In that case…’

‘I don’t love her, Matt Damon.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘The Master makes me and Victoria be together because we are such an experienced and successful operational unit in the ongoing battle against our pathetic enemy, but that has never meant anything apart from us being together when are fighting. And I can no longer live a lie.’ He leaned across and kissed Matt Damon gently. ‘Victoria loves me, but I hate her.’

Matt Damon said, ‘Are you gay then?’ David Beckham kissed him again, and Matt Damon kissed him back. When they broke apart, Matt Damon said, ‘So, seriously, are you?’

I found this scene riveting. I enjoyed it less than I would have done a week earlier, because now David and Matt were enemies of mine who were bent on destroying the world, and I was in a closet in the room in which it was taking place. They kissed again. On the whole, on a technical level, although David Beckham was taking the lead, Matt Damon looked less nervous, but not as good a kisser. It’s hard to tell, though, and I shouldn’t have been thinking of that anyway, but it was better than thinking of what would happen if someone went into my room next door and discovered I was not lying drugged on my bed. After some more kissing, Matt Damon said, ‘The other thing I want to know, David, apart from whether you are gay…’

‘I am gay.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes.’

‘That’s so great. The other thing I want to know is this: you know how Jean-Marie le Pen is the new fascist leader of France after we helped him get elected?’ David Beckham nodded. ‘Well, I’m so slow sometimes, and I’m not sure precisely why we did that, or why everyone is talking at the moment about an invasion? What can that possibly be about? It seems like the vitally important background to the events we are participating in, and it would be really helpful for me if you were to explain the situation clearly.’

‘Ok,’ said David Beckham. ‘I will. You know how our thing is that we are extra-terrestrials who regenerate in new bodies?’

‘Yes, I know that. Are you always gay?’

‘Yes, I am.’

‘Great.’ They kissed again. Then Matt Damon said, ‘Sorry, you were telling me about France.’

‘Yes. So, Matt Damon, you know about how it’s the final battle coming up between us, the demons, and the other guys, the angels?’

‘Yes.’

‘And you know how we can only be killed – properly killed so we don’t regenerate – by having our heads cut off with the special magic sword that David Tennant has, or by being sucked into a black hole?’

‘But David Tennant, who has the magic sword, is on the other side. So we need a black hole!’

‘Well, the problem with that is that to get a black hole, one would have to reproduce the conditions of the Big Bang, which is hardly…’

‘I would like to have Big Bang.’

‘Yes, that would be great, but… Anyway, Matt Damon, in simple terms, it is very important that le Pen can extend military control in France, because we need to enhance tension so we can move to the next stage of our plan. That’s what we’ve been doing with inciting riots, and now the time is almost right.’

‘What is the next stage?’

‘That’s exactly what I was getting to, Matt Damon. In order to stop the French people from revolting completely, because we can’t shoot everyone in a whole country, we have to do something really dramatic that gets them confused and sort-of-backing the government, even if it’s only for a little bit.’

‘I think I see.’

Matt Damon was clearly lost but he pretended not to be because he wanted to impress David Beckham. Equally clearly, David Beckham realised and didn’t want to hurt Matt Damon’s feelings, so he carried on with his explanation. ‘At this very moment, the French army is overrunning Andorra, which is a country in France.’

‘Why?’

‘Because it will confuse his people, and create outrage, and allow him and our generals to take even greater military control. Then, le Pen is going to invade the Channel Islands very soon, probably the day after tomorrow. The Channel Islands, by the way, are some islands near…’

‘I know the Channel Islands very well,’ said Matt Damon, offended. ‘Everyone knows the Channel Islands. I’m a huge fan of Bergerac.’

‘Of course,’ said David Beckham. I forgot you had a thing with John Nettles.’

‘He had a HUGE…’

‘I don’t need to know that, Matt Damon. Where was I? Yes, the world will be horrified by the invasion, and the French people will have no idea how to take it, but they will find it hard not to support their military for the first few days, and we are so close to the final battle that a few days are all we need.’

‘Won’t the English invade right back?’

‘That’s what’s so clever about the whole plan. The angels are based in London, and because of this invasion, we have a brilliant way of dealing with the whole London situation.’

‘And then the world will be ours?’

‘Yes, Matt Damon. But for me, the world is not enough. I want you.’

‘You have me, if it really is true that you are gay.’

‘It is true.’

‘Would you like to have sex?’

‘Yes please.’

‘Oral sex or normal?’

‘Both.’

‘Great.’

CRASH. ‘I knew it!’ said R Kelly, the black American singer, bursting out of the closet right next door to the closet I was in. ‘I knowed it, Matt Damon! You knowed I love you, and now you gonna have both kinds of sex with David Beckham right in front of me. Well, that ain’t gonna happen, man. I’m gonna pop a cap in yo sorry ass, which means shoot you.’