Chapter 26: Stupid Victoria Beckham

‘Gross,’ said Matt Damon, pulling away from our snog. I say ‘our’, but I was drugged with something called Somnus B, and I couldn’t resist him. And I say ‘snog’, but really it was him putting his mouth over mine, lips pursing in reluctance. My drugged eyes had been open through the horrible few seconds, and as if through windows I’d watched him looking past me to where the paparazzi had their cameras trained on us.

When we got back to Harrison Ford’s mansion, where I was being imprisoned, we were greeted in the hall by Harrison and David Beckham. ‘What the hell have you been doing?’ said Harrison.

‘Stop, Harrison,’ said David, nodding at the back of a woman bent over and scrubbing the floor.

‘We do this in private.’ Then he turned his gaze on Matt Damon and added, ‘And let’s not be too hard on Matt until we’ve heard his side of the story.’

Matt Damon looked confused as we led into the lounge. ‘But David,’ he said, as soon as the door was closed, ‘I presumed this was your idea. That’s how Victoria made it seem.’

Harrison Ford turned angrily on David Beckham. ‘This isn’t the first time,’ he said. ‘She’s a liability. I’m tempted to put her on Somnus B. This is amateur hour. She’s as bad as Cathy Calloway with her ridiculous “proof” that Mary Sue shagged David Tennant. These things draw attention to us at just the time our anonymity is becoming vital.’

‘I know, Harrison,’ said David, doing his best not to grimace. ‘But there’s nothing we can do for now. It’s the Master’s decision: if it comes to a fight, we can’t do without Victoria, and she knows it.’ David Beckham, shorn of his silly mannerisms and fumbling speech, was genuinely commanding presence, and Harrison Ford deferred instantly. David cocked his head, and added,

‘That’s her now.’ The three men instinctively drew together and stood facing the door, behind which came a sharp stiletto clicking. The clicking stopped, the men tensed, there was a pause, and then Victoria Beckham threw open the door, her face shining with defiance. ‘You’re an idiot, Victoria,’ said David Beckham.

‘Just because you can’t control me?’ said Victoria. ‘Just because you’re intimidated by strong, sexual women?’

‘Not for those reasons,’ said David calmly. ‘Please do explain what you were hoping to achieve?’

‘Why do you have to talk like a dictionary?’

‘I beg your pardon?’ David’s face indicated that he was reviewing his last sentence, looking for words a five-year-old might find tricky.

‘You know what I mean, you twat.’

Matt Damon said, ‘I thought you…’

‘No, Matt,’ said David gently. ‘I want her to explain.’

‘I didn’t do any harm,’ pouted Victoria. ‘Either The Master gets her to join us, or we have to torture her. Either way, there’s nothing to stop me having some fun and making it difficult for the precious little angels. I’d like to see them get her out of this without her looking like a bitch in the newspapers! I’d like to see what David Tennant is saying now. Tell me how that harms us? Go on, tell me! You’re a coward. The time is coming when we can stop skulking around and hardly killing anyone.’

‘Well, Victoria…’

‘Go on, explain.’

‘The explanation is…’

‘I told you! There’s no explanation.’ Her face was sheened with sweat as she made her desperate interruption. She could see from the passivity on David Beckham’s face that he had a clinching argument. When an opposing barrister has that look in court, I always know it’s time to pack my bags. David waited until Victoria’s shoulders slumped, and she said, ‘Go on.’

‘The Master cannot get to LA for two days, because nothing can be allowed to compromise his cover and future freedom of movement. We have the Chosen One,’ he nodded at me, ‘And, since no one knew about you or me, or Harrison, we were under no danger of her being found. Now, you have paraded her for the world’s press – and you’ve used poor Matthew abominably, incidentally – and you have told the angels precisely who we are. Luckily, they do not yet know about Harrison, but once they arrive in LA, and do some investigation, they will find out where we have been spending our time, put two and two together, and attempt to rescue her. We are safe for a maximum of five hours.’

‘Five hours! There’s no way they could…’

‘We’ve underestimated The Teacher before. He’s very good, and we know there are more angels in LA.’

‘She knows what The Teacher looks like,’ said Victoria, looking at me. ‘Give me five minutes with her, and I’ll know too.’

‘I’d have thought you’d realise that you’ve done enough damage already. As soon as we leave this room, Harrison is going to have to take security to Level One, no one into the house, and no one out, and that includes us, now we’ve been compromised. Do you understand now?’

‘This is ridiculous,’ said Victoria.

‘I’m so sorry if I’ve done some thing wrong,’ said Matt Damon. ‘Which it looks like I have.’

‘It’s isn’t your fault, Matthew,’ said David Beckham. ‘Don’t worry.’ David came and stared at me through my eyes. ‘I know you’re in there, Mary Sue,’ he said. ‘Victoria is a fool, but it’s really just over-eagerness. You’ll understand when The Master comes to explain. You’ll realise that your precious Teacher doesn’t understand what our kind were meant to be, and that living too long with the humans has muddied his mind. Then, in the end, you’ll help us kill him, and the rest of them, and then we will feast on this world, and then we will move on. I know this sounds terrible to you now, but you’ll understand, I promise.’

Victoria was ordered to lead me to my room. On the stairs, we passed the maid, who stood primly to attention, head bowed. As soon as Victoria was passed her, the maid lifted her eyes to mine and winked. I’m glad my body couldn’t react, because it was The Teacher, Miss Smallbone.