Chapter 16: I Get a New Job I Hate

‘Quick, quick, Mary Sue’ said the woman. ‘We’ve got a plane to catch.’

‘Er,’ I said, clambering into the car. ‘Okay.’ My head was spinning which was fair enough, I think we can agree, since I’d just realised that my father was a reincarnating demon who had been Sir Lancelot and was now David Tennant, and who was now on the side of the angels. The moment my feet left the pavement, before I had even closed the door, the Golf whizzed from the kerb, tyres squealing.

The woman, a small red-head with a snub-nose, squirmed to look over her shoulder, making sure the police hadn’t realised we’d snuck away. ‘I think we’ve done it,’ she said, beaming at me.

‘There was only one cop car, right?’

‘I think so.’

There was a pause, and then the redhead said suddenly, almost embarrassed, ‘You were with the Teacher, weren’t you? He was in your flat?’ I said nothing about Miss Smallbone, because her identity was a secret from everyone except me and David Tennant. ‘Good,’ said the redhead. ‘I understand. It’s good you don’t say.’ She looked at me sceptically, and added, ‘You don’t look like a Chosen One.’

We zipped North out of West Hampstead and towards Finchley. I presumed we were heading to the A1 until we swerved down a side road. ‘Car change,’ she said. ‘Security.’ We switched into a smart black BMW with tinted windows, my pathetic luggage on the back seat, and resumed our journey in earnest. I started crying. When the redhead realised, her whole face changed, not sympathetically. ‘Stop it, Mary Sue,’ she said. ‘We haven’t got time.’

‘But,’ I said, ‘but…’

‘No buts. You’ve had a shock, but this is it now. This is the battle for the end of the world. We can’t afford one mistake. Remember that. One mistake and all this,’ she gestured with her right hand at a particularly unprepossessing row of those big houses that sit inexplicably alongside major roads, ‘this all goes kablooey. Do you understand. You’re a soldier, and people are dying.’

‘I am not a soldier.’

‘Then you’d better learn fast. I’m sorry.’

She was so strict. The other people who had helped me today (can this all have happened in one day – one afternoon, even!) had been so nice. I had a horrible thought. ‘Are you a demon?’ I asked.

‘Get over yourself,’ she said harshly. ‘I picked you up because The Teacher told me it was necessary, and I was glad to, because he says you’re our only hope, but that doesn’t mean I like it.’

‘The other angels are all so…’ I didn’t know how to say it.

‘I’ve heard it all before,’ she said. ‘I’m not here to flatter your ego. It’s our job to fight the demons, and some of us, naming no names, have got soft, and they’ve dropped the ball. They forget this is a war, and there’s no end until the last battle, which is coming, so pardon me if I’m not all chocolate and kittens.’ Her words were harsh, but by the end of this speech, she was sounding brittle. I glanced across at her, but her eyes were fixed in front, and the knuckles on her hands were white.

‘Are you scared?’ I asked.

Her knuckles whitened further. ‘Of course I’m scared,’ she said. ‘This is the end of the world.’

‘But the prophecy?’

‘The prophecy says you might save us. Might. Or you might help the Master open the Gate to Hell.’

‘That really sounds bad,’ I said.

‘Yes, it does,’ she replied. Then she flexed her fingers, and she said, ‘But we’ve been frightened before,’ in a way that made it clear she wanted me to shut up, so I did, and we flitted through cars in the gathering dusk. After a while, I don’t know how long, I heard something from my bag, and I realised it was my phone vibrating. As I reached for it, the redhead said quickly, ‘Whoever it is, don’t answer.’

The caller was a mobile number I didn’t recognise who had called three times in the last twenty minutes. The same number had also sent a text message. ‘Ems,’ it read, ‘Rollo here. Nice manoeuvre to get away from us. I’m with DI Pushkas, who wants me to say you are being silly, and what you are doing is dangerous.’ I wanted to reply to Sergeant Rollo Price and give him a piece of my mind. He had pretended to be my friend so I would weaken and tell him what was going on, but he actually despised me for being a bloodsucking lawyer instead of a judgemental pillar of virtue like him. I hate being angry with people who are annoying simply because they are worthy and right, but I really was furious. His attitude might be virtuous, but it wasn’t kind, and I needed someone to be kind to me right now.

‘Was that Rollo Price?’ said the redhead, face twisting into a look of distaste. ‘Did the Teacher tell you anything about him?’

‘The Teacher said not to trust him.’

‘There you go.’ Before I could ask what she meant, she handed me a brown leather attaché case, and said, ‘Look this over. It’s your new identity.’ In the case were various papers, a huge sheaf of dollars and an American passport. ‘Don’t worry,’ said the redhead. ‘This is just to get you quickly through the checks at Luton.’ I flicked it open. There was a picture of me taken I don’t know when. I was, said the passport, Takumi Swallows, Pornstar.