Chapter 29: Think of England

‘That’s true,’ said Buddy, looking at my inert body. ‘No one has EVER had sex with a Chosen One. We’ll be the first!’

‘She’s not a virgin, you dolt,’ said the one who looked like a High School heartthrob.

‘She’s not married!’

‘She married Gavin, you dolt.’

‘But Gavin’s a pussy. And she saw Gavin and Cathy doing it in the hotel after the wedding, so she never went on honeymoon. So she didn’t do it with Gavin, you can’t fool me.’

‘They had sex BEFORE they married, you dolt.’
Buddy’s lip curled with distaste. ‘Oh Jeez,’ he said. ‘ BEFORE she got married. She’s one of THOSE women!’

‘You are the biggest dolt I have ever met.’

‘Then why did you drag me here with you?’

‘This is why,’ said High School Boy, as the door opened and Victoria Beckham came in to inject me with the drug that stopped me controlling my body. As if he hadn’t noticed, High School Boy said,

‘No, Buddy! I’ve let you see her now. It’s time to get out of here. Oh, hi Victoria. Is everything going well?’

‘You’re not supposed to be here,’ said Victoria Beckham.

‘I know,’ said High School Boy. ‘But Buddy was mad to see her, and you know, he’s such a dolt, you never know what he’s going to do.’

‘What could he do to her?’ said Victoria. ‘Oh, I know, sex! Men are so gross. Well, you’d better go. I’m sure Buddy can have sex with her when it’s time to torture her, if it comes to that. Sex is torture anyway, in my experience, but I suppose it must be worse if you’re having sex with a dolt.’

‘It must be terrible,’ agreed High School Boy.

‘But that’s for then,’ said Victoria Beckham. ‘For now, we have to be nice to her, the Master says.’
Buddy looked at High School Boy. ‘But you said we were allowed to…’ he started.

‘I literally have no idea what the dolt is going to say next,’ laughed High School Boy, smoothly.

‘What is a dolt?’ said Buddy.

‘Let’s go, Buddy, I’ll explain outside.’

Victoria Beckham gave me the dose of Somnus B which, if Miss Smallbone had been able to do what she said she’d done, would not be Somnus B at all. After what had just happened, I almost wanted to be drugged. How could I possibly have stopped myself from reacting to all that if I’d not been drugged? And if I reacted, then I would be drugged properly again, and I wouldn’t be able to carry out my mission and escape, and maybe Miss Smallbone would be captured, and that would be literally the end of the world.

Victoria sat on the edge of the bed. ‘People get very hung up about sex,’ she said. ‘I’m one of them. I’m really hung up about it for no good reason, except for one.’ A tear rolled down her cheek. ‘In every reincarnation, I fall in love with David Beckham, but he ignores me. Except for it always seems like we have some big battle to prepare for, and I’m a good soldier,’ she wiped the tear away, ‘and he’s a good general, so the Master makes us be partners, and I feel like I’m going crazy with love, but he just thinks I’m stupid. I can never do anything to make it better. Every time I think that this time something will have changed and it will be better, but it never is. When we got married, and we went to live in so-called Beckingham Palace in Sawbridgeworth, near Bishop’s Stortford in Hertfordshire, I made the house as amazing as I could, and still David thought it was vulgar. We never have sex.’ She stood up. ‘Well, not never. We did sleep in the same bed on our wedding night, and I woke him by… Well. In a special way. And then we had sex after that, but he wasn’t really awake, and I hoped this might break through his reserve, because I assume it must be shyness basically, or that he’s had a bad experience or something, but David got really angry and told me that if I ever did it again, he would cut out my heart, good soldier or not. I honestly don’t know what to do about him. I just need a friend. I hope you can be my friend, maybe, when you come round to being our side after we torture you, and then if you’re the Chosen One, you can order David to love me.’ She stood up, and smoothed her tiny skirt. ‘I’ll be back later. Thank you for listening to me.’

I felt sorry for her, on one level, but there were many other levels on which I didn’t feel sorry for her, and they were more important levels. For the next hour, I tried to move my fingers. Several times I wasn’t sure I was having any effect, but then I started to be sure, and I was soon able to move my head and my whole arms. Before I had complete control of my body, and before I was able to reach my arm under the mattress to read Miss Smallbone’s instructions, the door opened again, and in came Buddy and High School Boy.

‘But Victoria told us we shouldn’t be here!’ said Buddy, ‘And she’s really scary.’

‘I explained, you dolt…’

‘Does “dolt” really mean “dude”?’

‘Absolutely. I explained that sex is really good fun, didn’t I?’ Buddy nodded. ‘And obviously a nice girl wouldn’t have sex before marriage? But the Chosen One DID have sex before marriage, so she must really like sex, mustn’t she?’ Nodding again. ‘She’s the Chosen One, so she’s going to be really important, and she’s going to be really pissed off if she hasn’t been having sex.’ Buddy nodded more vigorously, like a child who doesn’t quite understand a maths problem. ‘So, if we have sex with her, she’ll be really grateful, and she’ll reward us.’

‘Yes,’ said Buddy. ‘I understand.’

‘I’d better go first,’ said High School Boy, taking off his trousers. ‘I don’t want you watching. Why don’t you sit in the toilet till I get you.’

‘Okay,’ said Buddy.

‘He really is a dolt,’ said High School Boy when Buddy was out of earshot. ‘I’m under no illusions about this. The Master will go crazy if he ever finds out, which I dare say he will, because I dare say you’ll tell him. But I’ll get reborn, and that’s not so bad. And I’ll have had sex with the Chosen One. How good’s that?’ He smiled, as he reached for my skirt. ‘Though the basic reason I’m doing this is that I’m a bad guy. It is what it is.’