Chapter 28: Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire

If there’s one thing worse than being drugged by demon enemies so that your mind is completely aware of everything that is happening but cannot control your body, it is having your leader turn up unexpectedly when all hope is lost, tell you that she could free you if she wants, but is not going to do so.

‘I know this sounds bad,’ said Miss Smallbone. ‘You must be furious in there, and frightened. But the fate of the world hangs in the balance. I spent three months getting a job on Harrison Ford’s household staff, which was almost ruined when I had to come to London to see you. I’ve told very few people that he’s high up in the demon hierarchy in case one of our rasher angels tried to challenge him, because this is the only place I have identified as a sometime base of The Master. It is vital that we identify the Master, we’ve been trying for years, and here you are, and he’s definitely coming to meet you in two days time. This is an unmissable opportunity, Mary Sue. I know you would stay here and pretend to be drugged, but it would be difficult for you to do that convincingly, wouldn’t it? So isn’t it better to leave you as you are, just for now, for your own safety, while we know that they almost certainly won’t do anything to harm you?’

I wanted to scream. I didn’t want to be used as bait. Miss Smallbone noticed the laptop, open at the BBC news webpage about me, David Tennant, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, etc. She shook her head. ‘I can’t believe you are the top story.’ She clicked twice and steered the screen into my view. The headline ran FRANCE ANNEXES ANDORRA, RENOUNCES UN, CLOSES BORDERS.

‘You see?’ said Miss Smallbone. ‘It’s started. There were riots, which Le Pen and his fascists deny, but the army opened fire indiscriminately. Thousands were killed. Everyone knows and the French are now terrified. They’re staying inside, telling each other that this guy they elected in a freak accident will realise he can’t carry on like this, and back down, and France will return to the world table, and the rest, but Le Pen doesn’t care what happens to France. He just wants martial law, and he’s got it. The top three generals, and the heads of the air force and navy, they’re all demons. They’ve been planning this for thirty years, and I only realised five years ago, and we haven’t been able to stop it. They’re winning, Mary Sue. We need a victory. We have to find out who The Master is. So you have to stay drugged, I’m sorry.’ Then she said, ‘I’ve told your parents you’re safe. It seemed better.’ And she left.

Nothing happened for the next few hours. Victoria Beckham ‘teased’ me by showing my pictures of torture techniques, but that was it.

The next morning, twenty minutes before my shot of the Somnus B drug, the door opened, ‘Mary Sue,’ said a hastily entering Miss Smallbone. ‘I’ve had to change my mind already, if you can imagine such a thing. They’ve heightened security again, and it’s very hard for me to get even to you, and this was my last chance to switch syringes. Also, there are some things you will have to find out. I’m slipping some under your mattress’ – footsteps approached the door, and then went past – ‘I’m very sorry, I must go. You cannot hint, EVER, that you’re not drugged. Good luck.’ And Miss Smallbone was gone.

What seemed like a second later the door opened again, and two men walked in. One was about twenty, good looking in that very obvious, US High School way (which I like in a show like Buffy, and dislike in something like American Pie). The other was a thin man in a leather jacket and tight jeans. He was about forty-five, but he was trying to look thirty-five. I very vaguely recognised them both. ‘Yes, indeed,’ said Leather Jacket, ‘As you’ve surely noticed, I’m Buddy Fletrock, from Crime Forensics Squad, which came just after CSI! And from Ghost Cop, which came out post-Dead Again! And I was also the blind assassin in the first six episodes of One Hell Of A Day, which was inspired by and in many people’s eyes surpassed 24. Also, and you might not know this, I was considered for the part of Spike in Buffy.’ He narrowed his eyes. ‘You don’t believe me? I was seriously considered! My agent said I was THIS close. And in West Wing, I once played Colonel McManus – never named in the credits – who was in the Situation Room when a helicopter crashed and he had to look sad.’ Tiny flecks of spit gathered at the corner of his mouth. ‘I can’t believe you’re just lying there…’

‘Buddy, you idiot,’ said High School Boy. ‘She’s drugged. She can’t react. That’s why we’re here.’

‘Yeah,’ said Buddy, gathering himself. ‘I totally remembered that.’ He took a step towards me.

‘That’s why we’re here. Him and me – and we’re both demons, blah, blah, blah, so he’s totally as old as I am, which is seventy million years old, so don’t be deceived by the fact he has a younger body at the moment, or think that I’m paranoid about my age, even though it’s just as bad for male actors in Hollywood as female ones, because believe me, I’m not paranoid, like I say – have come to see you because you’re The Chosen One.’

‘I’ve never had sex with a Chosen One before,’ said High School Boy.