Chapter 1: I Woke Alone in My Marriage Bed

I won’t describe the wedding I'd dreamed about for twenty years, because all happy weddings are alike. All catastrophic marriages, however, are catastrophic in their own way. After the reception, we stayed in the same hotel as our friends. I somehow got separated from Gavin in the bar. I presumed he’d gone to our room, I followed him, I took a wrong turning and I found him and Cathy Calloway in a stairwell, on two legs, grinding.

Cathy Calloway was my blonde bombshell secret archenemy all through university and law school. No one knew we hated each other, and we couldn’t tell anyone. Even when Gavin and I were hacking people off our guest list, I was not brave enough to cull her. I wonder what would have happened if I had tried. And this was all before I knew Cathy was an embodiment of ancient evil who wanted to destroy the world.

When I screamed at them, Gavin carried me to our room. He said it was a moment of madness, and the first time, etc., etc., but he was lying. Then he said, ‘This is your fault. You were the one who wanted today. You were desperate to get married. I’m not responsible for this.’

‘Get out,’ I said.

‘Where do I sleep? The hotel’s full.’ He paused. ‘I’d have to stay with Cathy. You don’t want that, surely?’

‘Get out.’

‘Come on, popsie. We don’t want this hanging over the honeymoon.’

‘The honeymoon! There’s not going to be a… What are you thinking of? There’s not going to be a honeymoon. I never want to see you again.’

He went on the honeymoon with Cathy. ‘It’s non-refundable,’ he said on the phone, ‘And if you’re going to be stupid about it, I don’t see that I have any choice.’ I told our friends what had happened, and then I went to my parents’ cottage in Cornwall for a week.

My dad (Korean, brain surgeon, amateur composer) and my mum (100% Surrey, French teacher) said they had never liked Gavin, which was a lie. They were surprised by Cathy, though, who was such a lovely girl. People were always surprised by Cathy. She was such an obvious bitchcow. She treated people terribly, and then she batted her eyes as if she were confused, as if she could hardly blamed when another rabbit threw itself under her wheels.

A week later, I went back to the flat in West Hampstead which, thank God, I’d owned before Gavin moved in. I thought of dumping his stuff in the street, but I had it delivered to his chambers instead. Cathy and Gavin were both members of the chambers next door to mine in South Square, in Gray’s Inn. I would see them every day, all the time. I thought this was the worst thing in the world, but, like I say, I didn’t know about the nightmare struggle about good and evil back then.

I returned to work two days later because I couldn’t think what else to do, and because life must go on, and because of a host of golden platitudes. South Square is a beautiful courtyard surrounded by sets of chambers. The grass was lush emerald from the soaking summer, and the whole yard looked washed. I cycled from West Hampstead, and I had been very determined when I set off, but as I saw everyone striding in, heads up, briefcases gleaming, suddenly I couldn’t face it. I cut straight out of the south exit, went round the corner, and had my hair cut shorter than it’s been since I was a teenager. Then I bought a suit. I was being borderline unstable, but I had good reason. Anyway, it worked. I felt almost normal when I walked back into the square. New day, new life, new hair, new Mary Sue.

There were pitying eyes at every window. Barristers shag like bunnies and gossip like housewives. Everyone in the square knew what had happened. I lowered my eyes, mumbled a couple of hellos, tried to pull open the door to 11A South Square which you need to push, got inside eventually, and bolted upstairs to my room.

A minute later, Dinky rapped on the door. She’s my clerk, and she has a very definite knock. She’s five foot two, professionally tanned and blonded, and people think she’s got false breasts but they’re just nature’s bounty. We think she’s from a big East End crime family. She said, ‘If I were you, darling, I’d kill him. No, correct that, I’d have him killed.’ I stared up at her. ‘Metaphorically. I bought you tea. I know you don’t like sugar but I put in four. Don’t argue.’ I wanted to be alone. Dinky sat down. ‘They all knew about Cathy and Gavin next door. They’ve known for months. I’ve been speaking to the rest of chambers. We’re right behind you. This is war with 11B. There’s always been something about those buggers. Ok, have a good cry, I’ll leave you alone. Drink that tea.’

Chambers can be like family. I had solicitous visits all day. Then, at four, not having done a stroke of work because I didn’t have a stroke of work to do, Dinky knocked again. ‘Darling, I’ve got someone for you.’

‘What?’

‘I was going to keep things off your desk, obviously, but…’ Dinky was hesitant, which I had never seen before. And she looked nervous, even flushed. ‘I think you’ll…’ She stopped and looked at me in what might very nearly have been wonder and said, ‘He asked for you personally.’

‘Show him in.’

Everything that happened before she came back in the room seems like another world to me now. Gavin and Cathy are part of it, of course, but it’s incredible I had no idea before. Not about the affair, but all the other stuff. I was so stupid.

The door opened, and my jaw dropped. ‘Hello, Mary Sue,’ said David Tennant. ‘I have been looking forward to this for a long time.’