Chapter 6: How Does My Archenemy Know David Tennant?

My triumphant bitchcow archenemy Cathy Calloway was standing next to two policemen at the South entrance to Gray’s Inn Square square. As I looked, more policemen rushed in behind her. Next to me, David Tennant shook his head wearily, and said, ‘I’ve been so stupid. I’m sorry, Mary Sue.'

‘What is it?’

David looked at the circle of barristers – at my colleagues and all the people I saw every day – edging around us ghoulishly, as the police decided how to approach, and he rose to his knees.’ ‘No!’ he commanded. ‘No closer.’ Everyone froze, out of respect for what he had in his hand. I would have done. David dropped back to his knees, and whispered urgently to me, barely audible,

‘That will give us two minutes, at best. There isn’t time for me to explain properly, but she’s one of them.’

‘Cathy Calloway is a demon!’

‘I know it’s unbelievable, but…’

‘No. I’m totally not surprised.’ It was the first thing he’d said all day that made sense. It’s not that I didn’t believe he was an angel, or that there was an evil Master trying to get hold of me because I was the Chosen One, but a small voice inside me said I only believed these things because he was David Tennant, and I was in complete meltdown after seeing him cut off my husband’s head. But Cathy Calloway being a demon – that was a no-brainer. ‘How do you know? Why couldn’t you tell before?’

‘When we are enraged, joyful or triumphant, we lose control of our eyes. If you know what to look for, you can see it then. She’s enraged.’

‘Is that how you knew about Gavin?’

‘When I heard what happened at the wedding, we knew he couldn’t be who he’d seemed. He fooled us too. So, we let them know I would coming to see you today, and I thought he’d come after me.’

‘It was a trap!’

‘Yes. We couldn’t let him get so close to you again. But I didn’t know about her.’ He nodded at Cathy Calloway. ‘I’ve known her a very long time. I should have realised she’d be involved in this.’

‘Have you fought her before?’

‘I…’ David Tennant stopped. ‘There isn’t time.’

‘Are you alright, MS?’ called Dinky, my clerk. ‘Don’t touch her, Tennant, you creep,’ she added.

‘She’s perfectly safe, Miss Wiseman. And she’s extremely lucky to have you clerking for her. I would not prefer another clerk in this courtyard.’

‘Thank you,’ said Dinky, blushing.

‘How do you do that?’ I said.

‘It’s just manners.’ He looked around us again. The police seemed finally to be getting their act together. ‘Okay, this is it. I’ll be taken away in a moment, but you’ll see me at the station.’

‘Where’s the sword?’ I asked. ‘It was three feet long, and I can’t see it.’

David Tennant just winked, and then he seemed to think of something. He leant towards me, and said urgently, ‘Don’t trust the French.’

‘The French?’

‘Come on, Mary Sue,’ David Tennant hissed. ‘I know you’re not stupid – the French have elected a fascist.’

‘But it was an electoral accident, basically.’

‘That’s how it always looks, Mary Sue. But le Pen is President now. He’s already tightened border controls and started crowing about la Gloire. He’s screwing Europe in Brussels, and his bribing his people hand over fist.’

‘That’s politics,’ I said, unsure at the direction this was taking. ‘Isn’t it?’

‘Everyone’s too young,’ said David Tennant, shaking his head ruefully. ‘You’re all too young. You don’t understand how fragile this all is. Don’t trust the French.’

‘Is le Pen another demon?’

‘Of course he is. That’s why we had to get Boris to stand.’ He looked at me sharply, and said, ‘You did vote for him, didn’t you?’

‘What?’

‘You voted for Boris Johnson? For mayor?’

‘I…’ I looked at him. This seemed important. ‘Is he one of you? An angel?’

‘Of course. He’s a played the part before. I’m really surprised no one’s noticed.’

‘What part?’

‘Believe me, with what’s happening in France, people are going to be very grateful for Boris. He won’t break, and he loves this little island. I honestly think he’s the only one enjoying what’s going on.’

‘Is le Pen the Master?’

‘I don’t think so – the Master could be anyone. None of us know what he looks like this time round, and his eyes are very guarded. You will only know when he really lets go, when he’s sure he’s won. That’s why you can’t trust anyone.’

‘I can’t do this.’

‘Yes you can, Mary Sue. We’ve been watching you, and we know you can. You’re much stronger than you think. How many lives have you already saved?’

‘Er, none!’

‘Er, actually, at least, seven.’ I looked blankly at David Tennant. ‘Those children you rescued when you were swimming off Sennen Cove?’

‘They’d have probably…’

‘They’d have died. And three times you’ve stopped people falling onto tube tracks in rush hour.’

‘Everyone must have…’

‘Almost no one has. You saw them toppling as the train came, and you saved their lives. That almost never happens. And twice in traffic, when… You won’t even remember. You don’t realise, but I promise you, actively saving seven lives is not nothing.’ I looked at him. I remembered these things, but they were so easy to do, and they were over so quickly. It was hardly as if I’d gone to Africa and snatched children from warlord kidnappers trying to turn them into drug-crazed soldiers.

‘What are you DOING!’ screamed the voice of Cathy Calloway. She was standing at the edge of the circle, hands on enraged hips, shouting at a tall bearded policeman who she wasn’t really looking at. She was looking at me, practically licking her lips.

‘Don’t worry, Mary Sue,’ said David Tennant. ‘You’re stronger than her. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.’